Catholicism makes me unhappy and mentally exhausted. I'm on the brink

I can't do it anymore, religion is mentally exhausting me...

Hello everyone,

I need to get things off my chest a little and confide in someone because I'm at a point in my life where Catholicism is making me extremely unhappy and stressed. I've been mentally exhausted for months.

I feel like God hates me deep down, that he will always reject me no matter what I do. Nothing ever seems good enough in what I do religiously... Sometimes I miss Sunday mass because my depression makes me stay cooped up at home crying alone in my bed and feeling anxious. I feel like committing suicide very often even though I take antidepressants and see a shrink from time to time. Going out and talking to people sometimes makes me cry and takes a lot of energy. Nothing motivates me anymore or makes me want to live this life. I feel like God is watching me every moment and wants to punish me for anything and everything. For example, if I forget to pray before eating, I feel guilty and anxious, I say to myself "am I going to hell?"... Also, I feel very guilty when I am interested in things other than God like literature, history or astronomy. I have then abandoned all my passions.

I think about hell almost every minute to the point of having huge anxiety attacks and crying for hours. I watch videos like this to put pressure on myself and it hurts me even more: https://youtu.be/SEucLZLMkac?si=RChXBnWhB6X5YOw6

When I enter a church, I feel nothing but anxiety and fear. I have never been able to pray a rosary properly and it makes me cry because I know that God will never hear me. I have no friends, no one to confide in about these anxieties that last every day that passes. I can't take it anymore. I was so much happier before I discovered the Catholic religion that doesn't want people like me. I can't practice Catholic orthopraxy or do everything that is asked of me... Faith creates mental problems for me and I have an extremely bad headache from thinking so much. I think my brain is damaged because I am so anxious and can't sleep anymore. I cry every day. I am also envious when I see other young women being happy and succeeding in everything, whether they are Christian or not. God hates me and doesn't want to see me happy.

I live in constant paranoia and I am exhausted from constantly thinking about the salvation of my soul. I converted only out of fear of going to hell, to give in to Catholic blackmail.

I feel like mutilating my body for things I can't control like sexual desire around the time of my period, to avoid mortal sin.

I cannot leave Catholicism because it would be a mortal sin and I would go to hell. I am condemned to remain a prisoner of this religion forever.

I am going to hell... Please pray that I go to purgatory one day...