My life feels like it’s over at 17

I’m always told “just wait” “you have things to live for”, and I’ve heard it so much it just feels like happy empty words to get me to shut up. I wait and I have nothing. I’m 17 but I’ve had nothing so far. I can’t stand to do nothing I want to make something of myself.

What if I never have anything. My whole life I’ve been alone. People don’t keep me close they just let me drift away. It doesn’t mean all that much to them. I’m nothing work reaching out to. It makes my worth feel like nothing. Even the friends I’ve had were never too caring about me.

I’m hurt. I feel like no one. That I’m alive for nothing. I’m disposable. I don’t belong anywhere I am. I wish I had people that cared about me but I have to be alone. I don’t like to be alone. But I’ve always been. I’m scared I’ll always be alone. Douchebags I’ve been with I’m too forgiving and soft on.

It’s like yes, you don’t care about me, you don’t care to hear how I am, but I’d still grieve over you because that’s how much you meant to me in the moment. I wasn’t alone. I at least felt loved at one point. I’m such a child.

I’m told “you’ll get a job” you’ll have a car” “you’ll have shit”, what’s happened in my life so far feels like it’s set the tone for the rest of my life. We got no money. It’s just me my little brother and my mom. One van. I want a job but I’m not able to get one. The abscence of shit in my life is pissing me off. I’m not saying it’s my moms fault, I’m just so frustrated having nothing to hold on to. I feel so hopeless and I’m very sad that people just go. I’ve always been on my own and people come and go like stray cats. I don’t wanna be alone and dependent. The only people I talk to are online but it’s not real, you can talk to anyone you want online. I don’t wanna keep feeling like there is no one nothing out there to keep me waiting.

When my dad found out I tried to kill myself he told me to shut up about anything to do with me wanting to die. I did just that. He asked if I was doing better after I tried to kill myself. Me not expressing how I felt made him think I was doing better. Nothing changed. I just shut up.

I always have thoughts like “what are you living for?” “You stay alive so you’re just wasting time while you could be dead already.” My life is a slow drag. I’m a stupid lonely bitch who is going where the wind takes her. I’m that girl that’s always been to the side. I’m everyone’s mistake. I’m waiting and it’s making me rot.